healing

ok. so here's the reader's digest version of God healing my back:

basically, about three or four weeks ago in conversation with a beloved mentor about prayer, i admitted (out loud for the first time) that it was really difficult for me to pray for healing. She wondered why--I mean, it's biblical and scripturally sound, and i believed in other types of miracles... what is the deal? As we discussed it further, what seemed to surface was fear and distrust: fear of failure that my prayers weren't heard or weren't good enough if God didn't heal; fear of disappointment in the unhealed person after their hopes were lifted then nothing tangible resulted; distrust that God could or would hear my cry; distrust that God could or would act on our behalf--fear that He didn't care at all or that He was somehow unable to act or move or heal. Because I didn't like thinking about such things, though I had felt this way for sometime, I pushed it from my mind and simply didn't pray for healing. Crazy, I know, and wrong, for sure.

So less than two weeks after this exchange: I hurt my back. I have a pre-existing condition called spondylolisthesis which is a big word for back trouble that can only get worse without intense and invasive surgery and tons of pre- and post-op therapy. The methods that got me better after the initial onset in high school was extensive physical therapy, shock treatment therapy, rehabing my back for years, and core work forever. On Grant's healthcare--while it is great and we're SO GLAD to have it--none of this would be covered, which makes this all suddenly very expensive.

The symptoms were clear: chronic back pain, sore back if seated/ lying in any given position for any length of time, stiffness, decreased range of motion... the list goes on. But the pain was the worst. I would wake up in the middle of the night with pain. I could only sleep for a few hours at a time. I was never relieved of the pain--forever constant no matter the position or time of day. I was, to put it lightly, miserable.

As I contemplated my options, I realized that God was being very funny and ironic: here, not two weeks after admitting that a piece of my heart did not trust and obey Jesus, I was in need of a miracle. I need healing by prayer--and I had to believe it. Head knowledge is one thing, but heart knowledge and experience--where the rubber meets the road--is completely different [thank God!]. Here's what happened after about a week of endless pain and sleep deprivation.

Wednesday: asked for prayer [but did not admit that I had trouble believing in it]
Thursday: asked for prayer from another group [but did not admit that I had troubled believing in it]
Friday: went to bible study, where we studied Luke 5. Jesus' question: "Why do you question me in your heart" absolutely jumped off the page and convicted me. Had he ever given me reason to doubt? Had he ever not shown up for me when I needed him most? And what about this doubt and fear and distrust? Was it so valuable and important to me that I would cling to it, despite my pain, against a possible healing? Was it most important to me than Jesus?

My heart broke.

That night I told everything to Grant--much of which he knew in bits and pieces--admitting again my disbelief. We prayed for healing and I repented of my distrust and choosing fear over obeying the Lord. We didn't really know what to do or what to say or what to think, but our prayers were heartfelt cries.

I woke up on Saturday morning--having slept the whole night for the first time in weeks--healed. I looked over and told Grant, "I think God healed my back," tentatively. I treated it gingerly throughout the day, afraid to be wrong... but I wasn't. God healed my back. I have had none of the symptoms since! Praise the Lord!

I am not some charismatic christian on pain killers. this is real. i'd never even been near a healing before, but now i believe! it would've been ok if God didn't heal my back, because in pointing out some blackness in my heart, and repenting against it, I was forever changed. The miracle happened in my soul; the healing of my physical back was just a bonus.

Thank God that He is willing and faithful and loving and able.

Anyone have any healing stories? This is the first experience in mine and Grant's faith journey.